I use my DA account to express how I feel... while I keep a straight face on my facebook account and real life. It might sound pretty silly but I have a very hard time expressing feelings of hurt, sadness, loneliness etc. I feel these emotions so strongly when they occur, but am afraid to show that vulnerability to the people around me. I have always been this way. I may cry for hours in private, but in public I try to hold myself together so as to not upset or alarm the people who care about me. I have concluded this is very unhealthy and does not allow me to truly deal with things that upset me... but on the other hand, being able to talk to myself on here helps me cope.

Anyways I'm updating the journal cause my uncle passed away on March 31st. I have dealt with death a lot since I was young and they have all hurt in their own way and for many different reasons. Family dying, friends committing suicide, being murdered... they all hurt and left a hole in my heart at the loss of people I loved. But my uncles death has really left me rattled. I'm still pretty much in shock, and it's still so unreal to me. I don't like the empty feeling of someone just not being anymore.

He was one of six siblings, including my dad... and he was the first one to pass away. He was only 47. We have always been VERY close with my dads family. Cousins, aunts, uncles... they've always been a very important part of my life. I guess his death has really put a few things into perspective for me. Things that I've been aware of since a young age, but up until now haven't acknowledged. There are people in your life you ALWAYS expect to be there... until they're just gone. His death has triggered a cascade of emotions on that subject for me. My aunts, uncles parents, grandparents... are all aging just as quickly as I am. And with that in mind I guess it just hit me hard that someday they wont be there anymore. I know this is common knowledge and shouldn't come as a shock to me at 26... but unfortunately his mortality has made me fully aware of how fragile all the people I love are.

Blah blah blah lol... I'm rambling and becoming incoherent I'm sure. But this feels good to get these feelings out. I know the hurt will only get worse before it gets better... the shock will slowly fade when reality sets in. But the hole he's left inside will never fully heal. Something about someone you love just not being anymore... it leaves a mark.

I will miss you every single day Uncle Cam. I love you...

(Please disregard this as I just really need to vent so I don't shatter from the hurt.)